I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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