Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
