All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
