Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
