sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
