I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
