I wish my penis had an off switch
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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