I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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