I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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