I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
