At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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