Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
