i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
