Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
