I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
