all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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