dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
