you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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