zippers are such a cool invention
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
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