dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize