God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
