We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
