My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
