You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
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