EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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