Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
