I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
