the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
