If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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