i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
