So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize