Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
