anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
