I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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