Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
