Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I party with great urgency now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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