pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
