My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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