My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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