I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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