Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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