Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
