In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
