just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
