There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
