If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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