Got a toothbrush?
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
