So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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