Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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