You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
