she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Sorry my hands just texted you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
