My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
