yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
