Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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