I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
