Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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