Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
