i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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