Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize