This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
