she woke up with a sticky ear
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize