Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Send help, water and tortillas.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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