so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
