i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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