I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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