My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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