You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
