Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
