I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
