my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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