If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
