I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
