So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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