I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize